I'm not the PTA mom I never wanted to be....

Sorry it’s has been a few weeks……but things are C-R-A-Z-Y around here. 

So, a few weeks ago, Perry (Son) and I went to a PTA sponsored Bingo night at school.  Money went to a good cause, we get to spend time together, this will be great – I said.

No.

Not Great.

Not even CLOSE.

As soon as we get there, he spots his best friend, and of course we HAVE to sit with them.  FINE.  So much for quality time with mom.  So, of course the KIDS aren’t interested in Bingo at all, there are treats and snacks and plenty of other things to occupy their time.  I want Perry to sit nicely with me, and help me look for the numbers.  I AM HERE TO PLAY BINGO, DAMNIT.  I WANT A PRIZE. 

As I play 17 different Bingo cards (I really want to win the coffee mug with the school logo on it), I start to look around.  The PTA moms are all together in the back, giggling, laughing, not a touch of Kool-Aid, Pop-Tart or Snot smeared on them.  AT ALL.  How do they do it????  I continue to look around, and I see a few dads, and the only other single mom I know, who is also hunched over her Bingo cards, probably wanting to win a hoodie.  I hope she wants that hoodie, because that coffee mug is MINE.

I am often times jealous of these women.  HOW do they do it?  Making crafts, going on field trips, sending out PTA newsletters, running the carpool……What am I doing wrong??  I work almost 50 hours a week.  I barely see my kids for 2 hours a day sometimes.  I can’t even get a load of laundry done.  I am pretty sure that if I didn’t have a sitter, Princess’s diaper would never get changed.  Perry once wore the same pair of socks at least 3 days in a row, simply because I forgot to remind him to change them.  The things stood on their own!!!!!!  

I am rambling, and I don’t even know why.  I don’t know what “TYPE” of mom I am, or want to be.  I think that I am a different “MOM” every day.  Depends on what the hell happens that day, to be honest.  Yes, my car looks like a junkyard inside.  Yes, I forgot that the money for the field trip was due last Thursday.  Here’s a check.  Please note that it is post-dated until my payday, so it doesn’t bounce.  I don’t need the PTA momma’s knowing that I bounced a check!!!  THE HORROR!

With that being said, I also noticed their kids.  They are no different than mine.  My kids are just as happy, and don’t feel like they are missing out on anything.  (Not yet, anyway, I am sure that will all change when they become vile, horrid, hateful teenagers).  THAT – is what matters. 

I bet none of the PTA mom’s make their 1 year olds say bad/gross words either!  One of Perry and my favorite games.  Shit, Crap, Toot, Fart, and today, Crap-Bag!!!  Ahhhh….. Mom of the Year. 

$20 worth of candy, cookies, chips and pop later…….BINGO!!!!!  All I got was a pen.

Love & Stuff

We are normal.!?

 So today I will be sharing my recent observations of several goings-on in the house.  Now let me explain, I DO see that these things are going on.  I may not take a step back and realize WHAT exactly it was until like, the Tuesday after it happened a few minutes later, but, well, I have a lot going on. 

**Disclaimer-No child/parent/cookie was injured in the writing/observing for this blog. **

• Daughter hates clothing.  HATES.  It is like as soon as we walk in the door at night after daycare, she comes in, and PANTS, SOCKS, SHOES OFF.  Shirt is optional.  She is, however, VERY interested in everyone’s belly button.  Or “Butt?” as she calls it when she is digging her finger so far inside MY belly button that she may have punctured something in there.  I have decided that she will be very good in the Science/Anatomy field. 

• Son is an instigator.  He thinks I don’t pay attention, but I do.  I watch him take Daughter’s food, toys, blanket, chair, whatever she is interested in at the moment.  He KNOWS she will scream.  He KNOWS she will cry fake tears.  He KNOWS she will call for me.  Oh the fun he has.  I tell him No.  He does it again 2 seconds later.  Truth???  I think his sister likes it.  She likes the ‘game’.  At least that’s why I tell myself.  My sister LOVED when we did that!  Right??  Yeah, I’m sure she loved it.

• Son sneaks food from his sister.  THE SAME WAY I SNEAK FOOD FROM HIM!!!!!  He comes in the living room and his cheeks are puffed out and cookie crumbs are spewing from his mouth.  “What are you eating?”  “MNUFNGINDFG”.  Oh really?  Can you whistle?  “I ASDHKFDON’T ASDGHJHOW” (Cookie mouth translation – I don’t know how.)  She knows he has a cookie in there.  Just like he knows when I have 2 brownies in there.  We all do it…..soon I will have to find a better way to sneak…like lock myself in the car.

• Daughter is already a ‘shoe-a-holic’.  She will take any and all shoes out of the closet, put them on, and strut her stuff like she is walkin’ the runway.  (All with no clothes on).  My boyfriend’s sneakers are her favorite.  They have bright yellow laces that she likes to have laced up her leg….she will grab a purse, head to the door and say “Bye, Bye!” 

So, to sum up, we have a good time.  Clothing optional, apparently, but whatever.  Are we normal?  Well, we are for us.  I mean, who has Toaster Strudel, Cheese, Graham Crackers, Oyster Crackers, Fruity Pebbles and Grape Juice for their dinner spread?  That’s right, WE DO!  Yep.  They let me be a mom.

Love & Stuff

Cabin Fever

Alright, it is a new year, and I am going to try and blog once a week.  That is my goal.  It has been a while, obviously, so suck it up, and let's get back to it.

Ahhh….a BRAND new year.  After this crazy holiday break, I have NEVER been happier in my life to return to work as I was this morning.  Daughter was so happy that she was getting out of the house; she put her shoes by the door and just stared at me with longing eyes, that look that says “I need you the hell away from me….NOW”.  I had been giving her the same look for at least 4 days.  The cabin fever had officially sunk in.

Now, to give you some background, it is not like we didn’t leave the house for our whole vacation, I did work a few days, but there was no school for son, and daughter did go to daycare, but everyone’s routines were off.  For some reason, neither child wanted to wear clothing for 2-3 days.  AT THE END OF DECEMBER.  I, on the other hand, had on 4 different layers trying to keep warm, and these 2 fools think we are on MTV’s Spring Break (do they even have that anymore)?  So, when they actually put on some clothes, we went to the usual places.  You know, Target and the grocery store.  Son of course had Christmas money burning a hole in his pocket, and we spent 2 hours at Target while he mentally calculated every last cent in his head.  FINALLY he makes a decision, and of course, with tax, it was over the amount that he had to spend.  He tells the cashier “I only have X dollars.  My mom will pay the rest”.  Yep, mom’s job is just to dispense the money.  You just got 8 bazillion gifts from Santa and your family, but, “hey, mom, chip in for more stuff I don’t need, OK”?  OR even better “hey, mom, chip in for more stuff I will play with for about a week, OR until my sister breaks it.”  Whatever.

Also, out of sheer boredom and lack of clothing (maybe I really should do some laundry, maybe THAT is the reason my kids are running around in nothing, note to check that later), and since there is “NOTHING TO DO AT THE HOUSE, IT’S SO BORING”, son decided that Tuesday was now known as “Toot sound Tuesday”.  Alrighty.  It was funny for about 5 minutes.  One of us bent over “TOOOT”,  Daughter learned how to make the “wet fart” sound with her lips, and so on, and so on.  Since I do have the maturity of a 14 year old boy, yes, I did giggle.  But it got old…….quickly.  I can’t wait for “Fart Sound Friday”.  Yes, that also will be an actual day this week.  Thank goodness it will only last for a few hours until bedtime……….ALSO, good thing son doesn’t know what a ‘Shart’ is yet, or it would be a LOOOOONG weekend, if you get my drift.

I hope you all had a memorable holiday.  Not really, I was just trying to be nice.  Most of us have holidays that we wish we could just drink away, right?  No?  It’s just me?  I need to work on that then………………………………………

Love & Stuff

Coffee and Baby Wipes....

Well, the weekend is over.  If it truly happened, I don’t remember, so I hope you all had a nice one.  Since the weekend is over, that means it is the dreaded MONDAY MORNING.  Oh Monday, there is not enough coffee and cigarettes in the world to take your miserable feeling away.  (Yes, I smoke, Yes, I know that it is awful for me and killing me.  No, I don’t smoke in front of my children or in my house.  Please do not lecture me on smoking.  It is my only vice.  Besides coffee.)  How any of us actually make it to our destinations on a Monday is beyond me.

7:00AM – I have officially hit snooze 17 times by this point, and I have to rip all of the covers off myself and physically pick up my legs to get them out of the bed.  On the way to the bathroom, I step on whatever the toy of the minute is and scream in pain. 

7:15AM – Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Why does it take so long to brew?  I go take the fastest shower in the world.  Of course I don’t wash my hair, who has time for that?  As I am getting out of said shower, I hear Son and Daughter.  They are awake.  Before I have had coffee….I will be ok.

7:30AM – I am now BEGGING Son to please get dressed, he is still under the covers.  He makes some inaudible noises.  May have said a swear word or two.  I can’t tell, since Daughter is screaming some nonsense in my ear, I get her dressed, and of course, she poops.  Awesome.

7:45AM – We need to be leaving RIGHT NOW.  Of course at that moment, I realize that there is no school today, Son has to go to the Y, he needs a lunch, Daughter needs Pop-Tarts, cheese and oatmeal cookies for daycare, I STILL NEED COFFEE.  Now very loudly begging to get shoes on.  Son is now on the couch, back to sleep, he may have his shirt on backwards, but  I don’t care.  Daughter has just dumped the whole game of Connect Four on the floor and is belly laughing.  Ok, I will clean that up next Friday tonight.  EVERYBODY GO TO THE CAR.

7:56AM – Go back in the house and get everything I forgot.  Jackets, blankies, extra diapers for daycare, and MY COFFEE.  We are on the road.

8:10AM – Daughter’s drop off was successful.  I drive for 2 minutes of silence.  “Mommy, what can I have for breakfast?”  Son is hungry.  He forgot breakfast.  I forgot to remind him to grab something for breakfast.  He pulls cookies out of his lunch bag.  “Can I have these?”.  SURE.  YOU SURE CAN.  Here, I found a Starburst in my purse from about 10 months ago, have a Starburst chaser!!  (Mom of the year moment).

8:30AM – Cookie and Starburst boy have been successfully dropped off.  It is then that I realize I have baby snot on my sweater, and baby poop in my fingernails.  NICE.  I grab the baby wipes while doing 65 and do a quick cleanup.  Eh, I’m clean enough.  Maybe if I smell, no one at work will talk to me today!!!!

9:00AM – I arrive ON TIME!!!!  SHOCKER!!!!!!  Ok, so when do I get to take a nap?

Have a wonderful week everyone!!! 

Love and Stuff.

So here it is, my very first blog post.  All of my friends told me to do it.  Yeah, I give into peer pressure, SO WHAT???  Anywho, now that I am here, what on earth do I write about?  Let's just start with the interesting evening I had last night.

We are finally home.  Dinner includes Pop-Tarts for Daughter (she is on a strict Pop-Tart, cheese, pancake and cookie diet, no fruits or veg in her game), a handful of cereral for Mom, and a pretty balanced meal for Son.  As we shovel food in, I get the 'look' from Son.  He wants to ask me a question.  I KNEW IT.  Here it is.  "Mommy, what is a PIMP?"  "WHAT???????????????????????????????????"  "Jake (name has been changed) said that Tim said he was a PIMP."  Sweet Jeebus, why, oh WHY do I have to answer this?  I told him it was a pimple and to never say the word again.  He was cool with that.  I also told him to ask his father the next time he has these questions.  He needs to experience all of this fun shit too!!

Son and I have MANY conversations about Jake.  Jake is his best friend, who also has older siblings that tell him EVERYTHING.  For example, when I was pregnant with Daughter, Son was completely convinced that she was going to be born from my butt.  He was pretty close, but COME ON, he was 5!!!  No need to scare the crap (haha, pun! kind of) out of him with that visual.  Damn, I even got a little scared thinking about it. 

Wow, this is a shitty blog.  Good luck to all of you for having to put up with this.  Let's see if I can really keep it going. 

Love & Stuff